Summer Review. 

Such a long time since last post.  It’s been a warm pleasant summer here.  Been busy with the garden, growing broccoli, lettuce,  Swiss chard,  curly kale, onions, tomatoes, rhubarb and many herbs for ourselves this year.  Cutting roman chamomile today for tea.  Gorgeous smell off it like apples and fresh cut grass. The borage has become an immense blue flowered bush and the bees love it. The wormwood has grown to over three feet tall and is coming into flower. So looking forward to talking cuttings in autumn to propagate new plants for companion planting near the soft plants like kale and lettuce.  Also growing very well is the curly parsley. Life is certainly pretty good right now. In the last four years everything has become a lot simpler without a malignant narcissist working against us. P. has finished school, sat everyone of his exams and is waiting now for his results and hopefully a place at college doing what he wants to do, software development. What a relief it is to see him doing so well. And I’m excited for him, about to embark on his own path in life and all the good things that are coming to him now.  

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10 Steps to Living Zen

Yes to this!

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Energy Shielding

But I had to share this!!!!Exactly what a survivor o narcissistic abuse needs to know!

Thanks to Archangel Michael

To all the angels,  thank you for setting me free xxx

 

Energy Shielding.

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PTSD? and the art of getting on with stuff

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Love this meme!

Had it for ages and ages saved to the phone because it’s just become my anthem, after a lifetime of being a monkey for someone else.

This morning while trawling tagged posts on WordPress I found one called The Truth about narcissists,  basically it says it’s a hoax, and all rubbish peddled to the gullible public. Oh yeah…  Gullible.

So I reposted it in spite of feeling not right about it, what ignorance says I!  They will learn some day.

And in minutes my anxiety was overwhelming I had to go back and read it. YEP I should delete it,  I felt better immediately. Second reading made me think if not a narcissist , then one with many traits and lets be honest, most narcissistic traits are just not  acceptable, I don’t accept that sort of thing in my life now. I don’t need any drama!!!!

I deleted it,

I felt better.

I didn’t want the kind of person who reads that blog or the kind of person who writes that post to notice I reposted it and criticised it.

Because I don’t need that drama.

I don’t need to justify myself to anyone.

I know what I know and really other people think what they think, and its just not my fight to try to change anyone.

Plus if narcissistic people were involved, how do they respond to criticism, to someone who won’t play the way they like?

Yeah!

Exactly 🙂

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The support of friends

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The support of friends has been very instrumental in helping P. and myself in the past two years.

Almost two years ago, new volunteers came to my animal rescue and became very good friends.  In fact one of them was so helpful from an early stage that the final row with T. was brought on by the improvements made in the rescue with this person’s help, D.

Work began on new improved kennels,  the workers were professional and fast plus for the first time the block work and concreting was perfect. Untold thousands had been wasted by T. hiring his own waster friends until the kennels was rebuilt a total of three times. Now these genuine people were helping us out for almost nothing on the construction work which badly needed doing and was going to improve conditions for the dogs.

What was T doing?  He used to sit down with the workers and disrupt what was going on by directly contradicting any orders I had given, and his personal favourite calling for a tea / smoke break every hour or less. Over the course of two weeks he caused havoc behind my back by accusing the two men there of wanting an affair with me, 🙂 Merciful heaven who would want me,  I was fat and bedraggled and haggard.

He also repeatedly told both men I was a heavy drinker, very unstable mentally and half of everything here was his not mine. That he was the boss not me, and tried to pick rows with both men.

Any way during these two weeks I knew he didn’t like this plan to improve things and these new friends who saw through him for what he was. It was a very tense time he caused rows over everything else bar telling me directly I don’t want this work done, I don’t want these men here.

He would run them down subtly to me by criticising their work and their personalities, when I would ask do you not want these guys here, he would deny it. And turn the discussion into a row over something else until I was hysterical and then game over.

But both men came to me and told me what was going on, the things I knew were going on but couldn’t catch T in it. I was horrified he was so selfish he would do this but not surprised it was how I thought he was despite all his denials to me T just looked out for himself. I needed this I needed the help of the volunteers, on a daily basis with the kennels and I needed better facilities for the dogs, what was wrong with him he couldn’t take that.

I felt something break in me, probably the last straw, I swear I felt it snap when we were arguing. The last shred of what love I had for him, I realised he was a despicable human being, he hated me he hated his son and all he did was hurt us in the worst ways possible. I confronted him about the way he was carrying on and I knew it was true because I had walked in on so many tense weird moments when T was alone with the workers, and I could see his usual delaying tactics, the talking talking talking and all about him, and the look on their faces which I was all too familiar with, the look that told me I was about to lose more friends because of him.

This time I caught him out completely in his lies and having the others there to verify what I could see and hear, for the first time I feel enabled me to leave him.

Before he always confused me, classic gaslighting now I know and when I told him to leave, for the first time I wasn’t alone, my friends supported me. They quietly and calmly told him he should go now and he did, needing a lift off one of the men to get home, T never learned to drive sure he had me to do it all,

P and I had been living in a mobile home with no running water, we carried water in or proper power, we ran a generator a few hours in the evening to watch telly, we lived like that for eight months after T assaulted P but I still called into town to T to pick him up and bring him out to kennels, every day. I know I still did his beck and call but I hated him by that stage. He started hurting P physically so we got away as far as I could, not very far as T controlled all the money, I had no friends or family to help all were driven away by then,

But these new friends helped me so much. First by easing the sheer load of looking after the animals, T seemed to obstruct adoptions and take in far too many animals in order to keep me busy. Secondly by v improving facilities at a very cheap price, ok 30 euro a day for truly professional work rather than giving 150 euro a day to T friends who built crooked gappy walls, and spent most of the very short day, always late starts and early finishes, big difference

Thirdly they were kind, B and D, and relieved my loneliness a little. This T did not like. Living in the real world they could see how awful our relationship was, how T really mistreated me. They didn’t buy into his ‘ amn’t I great’ routine but instead pointed out the shambles the place was in and that he had had eight years to put its right and hadn’t. Oh he didn’t like that, he was living in a fantasy world where he was the center of the universe, P and I had been forced into mostly complying with this fantasy world, but strangers were not and oh T did not like it when people burst his bubble.

The way I see it now, these narcissists are empty, empty hollow shells. They are not like us. They do not connect with others they always have to control them. They do not build or create, they destroy. Their needs cannot be satisfied and they never call enough is enough.

How empty they must be to be so similar? It’s not natural, the way they have so many attributes in common, like mass produced people with all having the same intrinsic toxic flaw, no empathy.

I don’t know it’s just my thoughts today.

I know without the support of friends P and I would not have escaped T.

I know without the support of very good friends P and I would not be doing as well now,

Special thanks to you D. And You Th. Xxx love you guys!!

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A New Year A New Perspective

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So happy to say something has changed in my son P.
And myself over the Christmas and New Year.  We had a chat about his dad who I am sure was a MN.

Why am I so sure because when I was attending the psychologist I did the dsm iv and later he decided to do it at home online for a laugh,  yes I know. Some laugh.  Well he got high eighties for narcissistic pd and mid eighties for histrionic personality disorder and he did not like those results at all. The subject was rapidly discouraged in the house and it wasn’t till now two years later that I looked them up and boy did that give me a shock.

Back then the home situation deteriorated further until a mighty row when P. And myself told him to leave us alone for ever. Four days later of truly dozens of phone calls from T. The MN,  every day and texts which I did not respond to and two visits to P. And me at our caravan outside town with no power or running water that we lived in to get away from him, after four days it went quiet, I was delighted but after three days more the police came out saying a concerned  neighbour had not seen him for three days. In we went to  town, I had no key so the police broke in. T. Was dead of a massive heart attack. Brought on I learned later by his heavy drinking, back on the vodka again secretly as far as I was concerned. For he had heart problems and they were caused by excessive alcohol consumption over his lifetime, he was fifty when he died and he was warned if he drank spirits again he would die. Well he did and then he did.

So what did that mean to me and P. when I remembered that dsm result for T

Well I got online and researched npd, and got my socks knocked off by the information.

So much explained that previously was like a thorn in my brain, so much there just like us! It all made sense it really did, I learned about narcissistic abuse, the suffering of the children of narcissistic parents, which concerned me greatly as helping P. heal into a boy capable of healthy relationships is a huge concern to me. About codependents, and there I saw me, I recognised myself from a childhood of complete repression of my own emotions and needs, including severe emotional and physical dissociation during my teens and early twenties due to sexual abuse by a neighbour at eleven years old. My first relationship from nineteen to twenty five was with a narcissist too who went all the way to Discard with me, leaving me an emotional mess ripe and ready for T.

Well P. And me had that chat when I told him what T. was, and he had questions about himself that I could answer for him. We were lighter than air after that talk and P. is so much happier, more relaxed than he was around people, making a special effort to be friends with a lad in the village, he had no outside school friends at all. More helpful at home, more interested in his own appearance, and the state of his own room 🙂 happier all-around and more interested in doing things, even going on a school trip that he refused about a month ago, that subject was raised today!

As for me, mindfulness has got me first observing the people pleaser reactions I was experiencing, noticing the anxiety that arises that drives me to want to turn those reactions and thoughts into actions, letting that anxiety pass though me until I can consult my own feelings about what I should do, my true feelings and not the pre programmed responses that drove me into unsafe and doormat like behavior before.

I have seen a lot of that part of personality actually pass away over a couple of weeks, I have a new peace, the constant anxiety I did experience is a couple of occasions only in a day now. My head is clearer, I am happier, more productive, life is simpler and sweeter ❤

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An Upside Down World

Right now I am recognising major faults with many aspects of my world view. Frequently over the last ten years I would ask ‘ how do you know if you are doing the right thing,  or making the right decision? ‘ because I thought I was making decisions for the best but they generally turned out disastrous.
However at many times in those years I was making decisions against my feelings on an issue, well actually being influenced to make decisions only in a certain direction, the direction he approved of only and with absolutely no  regard for my feelings. It had been said to me in the past eighteen months since he died, ‘ you were being completely controlled in every thing you did, you didn’t make any decisions, he made the decisions and you were brainwashed into accepting and acting on them’.  Well I didn’t get that until about ten days ago. When the penny dropped that he was a narcissist,  a malignant narcissist it also meant my son and I were victims of his narcissistic abuse and boy were we.

The world seems a very unsafe place. But strange as it seems realising that is a comfort. It was distressing to just not know which way was up at all. That the things I thought were good turned out bad. That the things I thought were bad were actually good. It’s all backwards in my head, an Upside Down World.

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