Right now I am recognising major faults with many aspects of my world view. Frequently over the last ten years I would ask ‘ how do you know if you are doing the right thing, or making the right decision? ‘ because I thought I was making decisions for the best but they generally turned out disastrous.
However at many times in those years I was making decisions against my feelings on an issue, well actually being influenced to make decisions only in a certain direction, the direction he approved of only and with absolutely no regard for my feelings. It had been said to me in the past eighteen months since he died, ‘ you were being completely controlled in every thing you did, you didn’t make any decisions, he made the decisions and you were brainwashed into accepting and acting on them’. Well I didn’t get that until about ten days ago. When the penny dropped that he was a narcissist, a malignant narcissist it also meant my son and I were victims of his narcissistic abuse and boy were we.
The world seems a very unsafe place. But strange as it seems realising that is a comfort. It was distressing to just not know which way was up at all. That the things I thought were good turned out bad. That the things I thought were bad were actually good. It’s all backwards in my head, an Upside Down World.