A New Year A New Perspective


So happy to say something has changed in my son P.
And myself over the Christmas and New Year.  We had a chat about his dad who I am sure was a MN.

Why am I so sure because when I was attending the psychologist I did the dsm iv and later he decided to do it at home online for a laugh,  yes I know. Some laugh.  Well he got high eighties for narcissistic pd and mid eighties for histrionic personality disorder and he did not like those results at all. The subject was rapidly discouraged in the house and it wasn’t till now two years later that I looked them up and boy did that give me a shock.

Back then the home situation deteriorated further until a mighty row when P. And myself told him to leave us alone for ever. Four days later of truly dozens of phone calls from T. The MN,  every day and texts which I did not respond to and two visits to P. And me at our caravan outside town with no power or running water that we lived in to get away from him, after four days it went quiet, I was delighted but after three days more the police came out saying a concerned  neighbour had not seen him for three days. In we went to  town, I had no key so the police broke in. T. Was dead of a massive heart attack. Brought on I learned later by his heavy drinking, back on the vodka again secretly as far as I was concerned. For he had heart problems and they were caused by excessive alcohol consumption over his lifetime, he was fifty when he died and he was warned if he drank spirits again he would die. Well he did and then he did.

So what did that mean to me and P. when I remembered that dsm result for T

Well I got online and researched npd, and got my socks knocked off by the information.

So much explained that previously was like a thorn in my brain, so much there just like us! It all made sense it really did, I learned about narcissistic abuse, the suffering of the children of narcissistic parents, which concerned me greatly as helping P. heal into a boy capable of healthy relationships is a huge concern to me. About codependents, and there I saw me, I recognised myself from a childhood of complete repression of my own emotions and needs, including severe emotional and physical dissociation during my teens and early twenties due to sexual abuse by a neighbour at eleven years old. My first relationship from nineteen to twenty five was with a narcissist too who went all the way to Discard with me, leaving me an emotional mess ripe and ready for T.

Well P. And me had that chat when I told him what T. was, and he had questions about himself that I could answer for him. We were lighter than air after that talk and P. is so much happier, more relaxed than he was around people, making a special effort to be friends with a lad in the village, he had no outside school friends at all. More helpful at home, more interested in his own appearance, and the state of his own room 🙂 happier all-around and more interested in doing things, even going on a school trip that he refused about a month ago, that subject was raised today!

As for me, mindfulness has got me first observing the people pleaser reactions I was experiencing, noticing the anxiety that arises that drives me to want to turn those reactions and thoughts into actions, letting that anxiety pass though me until I can consult my own feelings about what I should do, my true feelings and not the pre programmed responses that drove me into unsafe and doormat like behavior before.

I have seen a lot of that part of personality actually pass away over a couple of weeks, I have a new peace, the constant anxiety I did experience is a couple of occasions only in a day now. My head is clearer, I am happier, more productive, life is simpler and sweeter ❤

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