I’d say just before Christmas is when the penny really dropped. What exactly was that madness that lasted sixteen years? A relationship I couldn’t get out of no matter what I tried? A relationship I knew was bad news from very early on? Why was there always drama drama and more drama? What was going on?
Somehow going through relationship advice websites it just clicked. Unmistakably this was exactly what was going on! I couldn’t believe it but there it was in black and white, a precise and definitive description of all the craziness! His craziness my craziness our craziness the craziness of every day existence described so clearly.
And I thought I was alone, so loathsome and stupid that this was the kind of life, bad unworthy worms like myself got. But I’m not alone. I thought I was crazy but when he was gone all the crazy making went away and life was simple and sweet. People were kinder, life was more fun, I knew I had had a bad life with him and a very bad relationship, but how could things improve so much?
Because he was a narcissist and a nasty one. He did not love us, his son and I. And that awful dissonance in my mind and heart every day regarding How? How could some one who loves you treat you and his son that way was finally answered?
He didn’t love us!
He only loved himself.
But he hated himself and he did hate us.